Closet Sci-Fi Geek

DVD: “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

“DON’T PANIC” is the phrase embedded on the cover of the galactic handbook for stellar travelers, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” (and the film’s namesake). Alas, when it comes to this film, this phrase is needed more than ever. Perhaps we should ammend it to say, “DON’T PANIC, BUT THIS FILM REALLY SUCKS!”

Douglas Adams wrote four books in his Hitchhiker’s “trilogy.” This classic humorous sci-fi collection is something I read over and over again as a teen. Many parts I memorized without realizing it: the philosophical question of the Babel Fish; the answer to the big existential question of life, the universe, and everything (”42″); and the last thoughts of a bowl of petunias in free fall.

Unfortunately, the most memorable parts of the books aren’t quite as funny when translated onscreen, when you already know the punchline of the joke. But that’s a minor complaint compared to the whole mess this movie made of such an originally funny concept.

Arthur Dent, of course, is our anti-hero who gets whisked off Planet Earth just seconds before it gets destroyed to make way for an interstellar bypass. He was lucky enough to make friends with an alien, Ford Prefect, who helped him hitch a ride onto a big monster spacecraft as the world exploded. Eventually they get picked up by on-the-run Galactic President Zaphod Beeblebrox, who just so happens to be dating Trillium, a girl Arthur blew off at a party back on Earth.

Sounds improbable, but then, Zaphod’s spaceship runs on an “improbability drive,” which leads to all sorts of strange happenings (people turning into sofas and whatnot). And of course, let’s not forget Marvin, the manically depressed robot who sees doom and gloom in everything.

With all this, things should have been funnier. But they weren’t. Even the visual humor was lacking. With an improbability drive, we could have had a bit more than seeing the ship turning into a rose or a ball of yarn on a blip. It just wasn’t that funny.

And the film didn’t seem to be true to the books either. Now, it’s been a while since I read the books, so with as much as I remember, there’s so much more I forgot. But Zaphod Beeblebrox sporting two heads that somehow fold into each other and make him into a manic babbling psycho? That wasn’t quite the impression I had of him from the books. And it just didn’t work. He was distracting, confusing, and not funny.

I can’t blame the actors though. They were surprisingly likeable with a bad script to work with. And yes, I’m going to blame a lot of this mess on the script. It’s hard to totally blame Douglas Adams, who died suddenly of a heart attack in 2001 while working on it. So I’ll blame the other writer and the producers who obviously completed the script post-mortem, ruined it, and added in the most obviously ANTI-ADAMS “happy ending” ever…one that should have him turning over his grave.

Beyond the convoluted plot, the dialogue is either stilted or such complete gibberish (coming from Zaphod, mostly) that there’s hardly a laugh to be found here.

So what we have here is a mish-mosh of recycled humor from the book presented in voiceover - which has become stale to those who have read the book 10,000 times like I have - and then bizarre, disjointed plotlines that don’t really add up in the end.

For example, we briefly meet some sort of bad boy character played by John Malkovich. Our heros are sent on an errand to pick up a special weapon for him in exchange for the return of one of Zaphod’s heads. Being an important plot point, you think that we might have had this resolved at the end of the film, but somehow this got completely forgotten in all the running around.

The film has one thing going for it: Amazing special effects. There’s some fantastic visual candy here, and my favorite part is the trip through the planet factory.

Otherwise, this film is a disappointing, embarrassing mess. I hear, though I haven’t rented it yet, that the BBC series from the 1980s is much funnier and truer to the original book. You might also want to try another British series, “Red Dwarf,” if you are looking for some funny sci-fi. But don’t look for funny sci-fi here. Go read the books instead.

TV: “Ghost Whisperer”…Ouch!

And a quick mini-review…caught a little bit of “Ghost Whisperer,” which is on Friday nights before “Threshold.” OK, can I just say I never understood the popularity of Jennifer Love Hewitt. She’s a skinny, weasel-faced blemish on acting in my opinion (oops, I should try to be more spiritual…oh well).

This show has not improved my opinion of her. She’s some sort of ghost psychic. OK, fine. Except, she’s got some bizarre Loretta Lynn hairdo that looks like a wig. And the acting is seriously bad and the dialogue forced. And I have no idea what the point of the show is, since the brief clip I watched was so godawful I did not bother to continue.

Maybe it’ll get better. But I only have so much time in my week. I’m feeling much more positive about “Supernatural” (see review below). Two gorgeous guys will beat out Jennifer Love Hewitt in my book, any day of the week.

TV: “Supernatural” Wins in the Spooky Category

What with all my focus lately on finding the latest “alien invasion” I totally missed any buzz on what was happening at The WB. And let’s face it…The WB has a reputation for being a bit teen-oriented, so no wonder it passes under my 30something radar.

But for whatever reason, I accidentally stumbled upon “Supernatural” last week. In that episode, a demon was infecting air passengers and causing plane crashes. It was one of those things I started off not paying too much attention to (I had missed the beginning), but by the end of the show I was stuck to my seat, waiting to see what happened next.

In the latest episode, we find that the old childhood scary superstition about saying “Bloody Mary” three times in a mirror is now coming true. Having played that “game” when I was a child (and it scared the begeezus out of me then), I was absolutely fascinated by this modern rendition of it. The actual ghost was very frightening and something out of the Ring or the Grudge - not bad for primetime TV.

I’ve now watched two episodes of “Supernatural” and I am completely hooked. Sure, it’s just “X-Files” with ghosts, but I’m liking it. I especially like the two hunks they have as leads (score one for the teenage network, obviously appealing to a young girlish fanbase).

The other “X-Files” rip-off (actually being produced by former “X-Files” folks) is “Nightstalker,” which is a remake of “Kolchak the Nightstalker” (some old 70s show I’d never heard of before). I’ve only seen one episode of “Nightstalker,” and it was OK…something I’d definitely watch if it was on and I’d happened to be around, but nothing I’d go out of my way to view.

“Nightstalker,” like “Supernatural,” is about the investigation of strange phenomenon. “Nightstalker” so far appears to be less about ghosts and more about bizarre grisly deaths. There does seem to be an interesting back story to “Nightstalker” that could become more fascinating as the show progresses (watch for the strange squiggle mark on people’s wrists). Stuart Townsend does a fine job as Kolchak, but Gabrielle Union as his female counterpart is a little too wide-eyed for me at this point. She’s definitely no Scully.

All in all, they beat reality TV.