This Star Wars parody came out in 1978, which means I was probably 8 years old the first time I saw it. (We actually gathered in the living room of a family friend’s house and watched it on a film projector…this was before most people had VCRs!)

Hardware Wars was funny back then, and I’m happy to say, it’s still funny now. It’s stupid yet smart humor. They pretty much take every Star Wars cliche in the book and beat it to shreds. Better yet: Everyone’s flying around in kitchen appliances!

My favorite part is when the “Wookie Monster” (who looks like the Cookie Monster) tries to eat the bun off of Princess Anne-Droid’s head.

PS: I believe the narrator in this is the same guy who narrates the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. Love that voice!

Yes, that’s right. I want to watch the original version, with the now outdated effects, and see the Death Star blow up in one sparkly 1970s explosion instead of that overdone purple shockwave thing they first pioneered in the Star Trek films.

Now if they were realllly cool, they’d include Hardware Wars as an extra. I’d love to see that again. It must be on the net somewhere. Anyone?

I will attempt to respond to each point raised here:

Ignoring the question of how Princess Leia could possibly know where the trash compactor is, or that the vent she blasts open leads to a good hiding place for the rescue crew, why are there vents leading down there at all?

Let me first respond by saying that Princess Leia, as we find out in Return of the Jedi, has as much talent with the Force as her brother. So the Force told her where the trash compactor was.

As for her shooting at a “vent” leading down to the trash compactor. That vent was obviously a garbage shoot. They had to throw their garbage somewhere, didn’t they?

Why do both walls of the trash compactor move towards each other, rather than employing a one-movable-wall system that would thus rely on the anchored stability, to say nothing of the strength, of the other, non-moving wall, to crush trash more effectively?

Because it looks cooler.

Why does the trash compactor compact trash so slowly, and with such difficulty, once the resistance of a thin metal rod is introduced?

The thin metal rod is made from a space age metal that happens to be extremely strong when jammed lengthwise in between two moving trash compactor walls.

Why does the trash compactor only compact trash sideways?

The flattened pieces of trash are used as insulation for new Death Star condos being constructed. It is a little known fact that the Death Star was part of a real estate bubble that hit the galaxy at that time, and developers were extremely busy building condos and other prime habitats on the Death Star for the evil denizens of the Empire. Grand Moff Tarkin was actually quite the real estate investor, and had previously “flipped” a few planet-sized battle stations prior to his command of the Death Star.

And what of the creature that lives in the trash compactor?

He is obviously an abandoned pet of one of the Stormtroopers, who has been flushed down the toilet much like a baby alligator and has grown to tremendous size in the sewage system.

Why not have separate systems for organic and inorganic waste, thus allowing full compaction of the inorganics and a closed sanitary system for the organics?

Now, now. Would Darth Vadar, half-man, half-machine, order such obvious and blatant discrimation to be instituted against so-called “inorganic” material?

Why does the Empire care, anyway, about reducing its organic garbage output?

Is it really about reducing organic garbage output? Or creating nifty bits of insulation for those Death Star condos I mentioned above?

If the Empire insists on ejecting trash into space, why do they bother compacting it?

Ahh, assumptions, assumptions. The author has assumed that the Death Star ejects its trash, much like the spaceships do. But as I’ve repeatedly pointed out, such garbage is perfect material for condo-making. The Empire is smarter than you think!

I hope I have satisfactorily answered the questions about the Death Star trash compactor. It is important that we respect the Empire…or suffer Vadar’s wrath.